In May of 2014, we were excited to be adding one more new member to our little family. The kids had been wanting another little brother or sister and they were thrilled as I told them the news. As I prepared the night before to have our first ultrasound, I spent some time alone with God. I felt Him telling me its wasn't going to happen. I wrestled with Him for awhile and then finally with a breath of sigh I submitted in my heart what ever He desired. I remembering checking on the kids that night watching them sleep and telling God, "I do not want to walk down this pathway again, but if that is what You desire, I will go.". The next morning in the hospital when the ultrasound showed a 6 week old baby and should have been 9 weeks, I knew God was sending me down the pathway of another miscarriage. I was at peace. I didn't cry much. I cried a little, I was disappointed, and scared to have another outpatient procedure one more time, but I kind of held my breath through it all just to hurry down the pathway God had for me. I figured, if I was a good girl and walked down the path He asked me to go again that I would have the same outcome as I had 8 years prior. You see, 8 years ago, I miscarried our first child. I was heartbroken and devastated. The Lord strengthened me through that trial and then blessed me with another pregnancy just 2 short months later, and that is when He gave us my first born. I felt thrilled that God had blessed me with my desire so quickly - and no complications at that! So you see, when I felt Him tugging on my heart telling me I would walk this path again, I felt like He would give me the same outcome - if I would just obey.
So, I did....and guess what....He did answer just like the first! Two months later, I was pregnant again. I was thrilled! I was rejoicing! But, I was very scared. I know many woman who have suffered from infertility or pregnancy loss or any type of loss of a child, you know all to well the fear that settles in your soul. So I prayed and I asked God, "Please do not let me loose this one. Please keep me from having another surgical procedure." Although I prayed, and prayed, I never could get peace. My symptoms were very light. The Doctor had me coming in every week for blood-work to watch my hormone counts, and she even had me on progesterone pills to help along with the pregnancy. Nothing seemed to bring me peace. Then one day, I was having my quite time with God, and my body starting miscarrying. While I was praying and crying out to God - my body started to loose the little one I was carrying. After having another ultrasound to only reveal what I already knew, my body miscarried our 5th child. I.was.devestated! I mourned for our 5th child greater then I had with any of our other losses. I can not explain it, but I felt like God had forsaken me and like He gave me a a bad hand.....even after I willingly walked the path again of miscarriage with our 4th child. I was extremely hurt at God and almost was on the verge of being done trying to live for Him. I just wanted to live a quite life and forget trying to serve Him wholeheartedly. I felt like He wasn't listening to me, and it didn't do any good to pray to Him. All He wanted to do was to hurt me and break me - so I felt. I can not tell you how many weeks, I would go into my quite place and try to pray, but only end up weeping bitterly. I mean I didn't just have crying spells.....I wept! I would try to lift my hands in praise during this trying time, but I would still feel such a heaviness in my soul. I remember one time after my miscarriage happened, going into a baby shower for a friend, and although I was happy (in away) for others who were expecting, I really couldn't rejoice with them. I heard a preacher once say, "Often times its easier to weep with those who weep but it is much harder to rejoice with those who rejoice." And boy, was he ever right. I didn't like not being able to rejoice with others over their new bundle of joy, but my soul was so heavy I couldn't. I remembering very clearly being at my friends baby shower and it took every ounce of strength in my body to stay there until the end. I felt like I couldn't breath. I just wanted to leave, but I knew I couldn't. I waited until after every little adorable outfit was unwrapped and I quickly told everyone bye and exited the building. I almost felt like running out and hiding. It took all I could to not just sit there outside and cry my heart out. This loss took me months to come to terms with. I will not tell you, I got over it. You never get over the loss and the pain, but God does give strength to go forward and to find joy again. It took me many hours crying out to God and many songs of praise to Him, before I felt like I was healing from this terrible dream. It also took me coming to terms that God's plans are bigger then mine and that I had to surrender all of my dreams and plans to Him. I had to trust Him enough to make my plans for my life. I had to believe that He loves me enough to create a plan for my life that is at my very best interest and one that will bring me everlasting joy. I had to decide to either believe Romans 8:28 and claim it, or choose to not take God at His Word. I chose to hold tightly to Him, because I know I can not walk this life's pathways without Him beside me. He is my counselor, my best friend, my comforter, my rock, my deliver, my King. This is definitely not a step you take over night, but a step that is chosen each and every day as you talk alone with Him on a daily basis. One day during my mourning time with God, He sent me this verse, Hebrews 10:35-36, "Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompense of reward. For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise." I knew that verse was sent from Him to me....but I sat there saying, "Okay, God, what is the promise? What am I suppose to be obedient on?"
Months after my miscarriage, He started tugging on my heart to take in a teenager. I struggled with that leading for weeks. I kept telling God, I wasn't the right fit, He should choose someone else. Nevertheless, He kept moving my heart and my husbands heart at the same time. So, we moved in obedience to become guardians over a young teenager who needed some love and guidance. I instantly fell in love. You see, my heart was broken and it was so ready to love a child. I welcomed this teenager with open arms and just knew we would be a big happy family. I felt like maybe that is why I suffered through the miscarriages so that I would be so ready to welcome another child that wasn't biologically mine. But, unfortunately, God had different plans. Is was only His desire for us to be guardians for about a year. The plan was far different then what I had imagined, but with peace in my heart, I knew we were obedient to God and He had yet another plan for me and my little family.
I have not spoken of much of this the last two years on social media. My close friends know some of these details, but I never felt moved to share until now. I just felt moved to encourage those who are suffering through great loss right now to not listen the voice of the enemy. Instead to listen to the Voice of Truth. Make that conscience decision today to listen to His voice over all the rest. God does love you. Seek His face during your pain and ask Him to give you a promise. He can use the pain we go through for His glory, we just have to seek His face and allow Him to direct our steps. Two years later, I still hold on to the verse of promise God sent to me. I felt the promise meant a baby, but I was never completely sure. I told God after my last loss though, that if He wanted to bless us with more children, it was going to be Him allowing it to happen. I was done with trying to put my hands into things. I thought I would be obedient and then just fix it myself by getting pregnant again that it all would be well and done and that I would earn a little obedient sticker in God's eyes. I learned you can not hurry God's plan and that He can teach you things in the darkest moments. He taught me that He had something He wanted me to learn, He wanted me to know Him on a deeper level. He wanted me to see that He does love me, just because we suffer here in this world, does not mean God is not love. God is love through the suffering. His hands hold me when I can not stand, and His lungs breathing for me when I have the wind knocked out of me. His peace is the peace holding my heart together, when I do not see the next step. He loves me enough to get me through the storms. He has a greater plan for me and my family, I just have to be patient and allow Him to order our steps.
I continued to pray the Hannah's Prayer the last few years. My children continued to have a desire for another baby, so they kept praying the Hannah's Pray as well. My husband, had a strong desire for another little one, and he too continued to pray the Hannah's Prayer. We all have a desire, but we also want Gods best and for God to give us what He desires for our lives. I was wondering if I should keep praying Hannah's Prayer, or if God was telling me it wasn't His will for another child, so a few months ago, I told God if He didn't want me to have any more children I would be submissive to that, if He would just help take my desire away. I also started praying a few months ago Psalms 37:23, "The steps of a good man are ordered by the : and he delighteth in his way." Since praying that verse, I can not begin to tell you how I have started noticing Him in the smallest areas in my life. I try to move when He gives me an open door. Also we received the biggest surprise of our life just a few months ago....
So for those of you are reading this and going through a terrible storm in your life, keep praying, keep believing, keep listening to Gods voice, and keep letting Him guide your steps
One of my favorite songs, He has us in The Eye of the Storm!