Be.Real

As I scroll through another set of "happy, perfect life" photos through Facebook, I catch myself thinking, "I wished I had their life". I look around at my social peers and catch myself peeping into their lives and thinking, "Must be nice to be like that." I have gone through a season of life where I am so unhappy. I struggle sometimes with just who I am as a person, and the life I live. The Lord showed me, all I am seeing is the outside of my Facebook friends and my social peers. I don't see their struggles from within. I don't see their skeletons that they have to look at every day through their minds eye. I don't feel their heart breaking every beat because they are longing for more then this life is offering. Then it hit me! Pictures are decieving. Facebook is misleading. Peoples smiles are sometimes cover-ups. God started to cut out the ugly sins in the deepest part of my life; and I know others are just like me. They feel like I feel; they hurt like I hurt, and they struggle with things I struggle with. I took a step back for a moment and thought, "Do people think I have the picture, perfect life too?" I felt compelled to just write and to just Be.Real. I feel when we open up ourselves and remove the cover-ups we allow God to use us to the fullest potential. It is very uncomfortable to remove the cover-ups; but others truely reach back when we are real.

3 1/2 years ago, God started a process in my life that I had no clue where it was going to lead me or why. Now, after He has had a chance to remove all of the junk that keeps a gulf between me and Him, I can see things more clearly. In 2010, literally my life was turned upside down. I had no place to live (due to my landlords forclosing on their house), I had no where to go (living in an area where rent went up about $300 extra per month), and everything that we, as a family, were involved in seem to began to crumble. Our ministry that we had recently started seemed to vanish before our eyes. Our family seemed to be imploding, and things that I didn't want to happen were happening. As God moved us 1500 miles back to our original starting place, my heart was mixed with emotions and thoughts. I remember driving on one of the long Texas roads and hearing the song "I Will Praise You in this Storm" by Casting Crowns. The few words in the lyrics brought my eyes to tears because it was exactly how my heart felt. It says:

 

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

 

I did think for sure, God would have stepped down and saved the day by now; but He didn't save the day like I felt needed to be saved. Little did I know, that was the beginning of my spiritual transformation. Before He can use us He must break us. Why? Because we are tanted vessels and He must purify us and make us holy. He has to remove those things in our lives that keeps us from knowing Him intimately.

 

When I was just out of high school, I started having this incredible longing to know God deeper. I would study my Bible for hours on end and hear His voice speak to me through every verse I would read. I would throw myself into Christian biographies of people with extrodinary testimonies. During that time, there was a song out that said, "I want to be so close to Him that when Jesus comes again, there is no big change."  I remember thinking, "WOW, how awesome would that be? To walk so closely and intimatley with Jesus that when He comes again and I am in heaven that the only thing different is my scenery!" I starting longing for that kind of relationship. Then life happened. Sometimes whether we like it or not life happens and gets in the way, and unless we are intentional with our walk with Christ, it starts to be the relationship that gets less of our time and attention. Now fast forward about 9 years, I started to feel God moving my heart back to that desire again. But, what I didn't realize is what it would take to get my desire.

 

If Christ would have said, "Dear Child, I hear your desire, and I hear your prayer; and that is My desire for you too; but first you are going to have to experience some things. I am first going to have to take you to a dark place, one you do not like to visit often. You struggle too much with doubting Me. I have to take to you to a place in order to remove all of the torments of doubt in your heart concerning my forgiveness of your sins. Once I bring you to that place you will walk with freedom. Freedom to never have to walk with the torment of doubting my forgiveness ever again. Then my dear one, I will have to take you through severe loneliness. A place where you will feel like you don't have a friend in sight and your family is no where to be found. You may see them with your eyes but emotionally they will not be there. I have to bring you to this place, because I need you to be assured of my devotion to you. I am the One who will be here for you. I will be the One who sticks closer to you then any friend or family. Then after that, I will have to bring a great disconnect between you and your loving spouse. I know you two have always had a special connection and a special love; but my dear child, I need you to not have any other gods before me. I need you to love me with all of your heart, all of your soul, and all of your mind. Then my sweet child, I know this will be hard, but I am going to have to take your purpose away. I will make you feel like you don't belong any where, you don't fit in any where, and you have no purpose in life. I know this hurts me to take you through such depth of pain; but I have to show you that I am your Purpose. I am all that you need to focus on and when I become your Purpose then I will be able to bring your Purpose to you. You will loose your best friends too; just for a season though. You are going to experience some great pain; but it is for your good. I need to bring you to a place to trust me no matter what. No matter if your "why's?" are answered, and no matter if you can see the outcome. I need you to learn to just simply trust in me, in who I am.....your Loving Father, who is all-powerful, and has everything in control. Through all of these trials you are going to walk around and have the greatest agony of feeling like no one loves you; but I have to remove all of that, so that you will rest in the peace of my Love and if you have that confidence of my Love that is all you need through life. You see, once you experience my Love then I can use you to show my Love to others. That is truly what this world needs, a servant of mine, that has Charity. There will be times that the fear and satans fiery darts will be so strong that you will feel like you are losing your mind, like you are going crazy.  But...don't ever give in to the those feelings. You are going to have to keep your mind on me. Because through all of this brokenness, there is one thing you will learn....how to pray to me. You will get to hear my voice, and walk with me, and know me intimately. You will feel my presence come over you like a flood and you will get to worship me like never before. You see, my child, I must break you in order to fill you. It will be hard but it will be worth it. When the breaking process is over, you will know Me like never before and I will restore what the locast has eaten. (Joal 2:21-29)"

 

If Christ would have told me ahead of time, this is what your life will be like for a few years; I am not sure that the desire would have been great enough to sustain the pain. But Christ in His perfect knowledge and wisdom knows exactly how to mold us into His workmanship. Friend, if you are feeling alone, lost, broken, in despair, hopeless, afraid, Jesus is calling you to come experience Him on a deeper level. Run to Him and sit at His feet and just worship Him and listen to His voice. It will make the pain worth it and it will make your burden light! My transformation is still in progress, but my eyes are becoming more fixed on Him.