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Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Tested Faith = a Growing Faith

This past January was the 6 year mark of when my husband and I had to face one of the most difficult hurts and disappointments in our current life. We had a Doctors visit for our 1st ultrasound with our 1st child. We were not "trying" to get pregnant. It was a complete surprise when I took the pregnancy test for the 1st time. We couldn't have been more excited. I had already started planning the nursery as soon as I found out. I couldn't wait to tell everyone in the family as well. I felt fine, all was going well. Except for one day my back started hurting really bad, but after a day it went away. I never thought anything about it. I did, though, have this incredible fear of loosing the baby. I would keep having dreams of the baby dying during the delivery. I would wake up thinking, and praying. I would ask God if He was trying to warn me about something. I wasn't a bit nervous that day, just worried for my sister in law, who was pregnant as well, and was starting to have complications. I can remember looking at the ultrasound and seeing the little baby inside of me. It made it so realistic. I never thought it was true until I saw the little baby on the screen. I was so excited - everything looked normal to me. Until the nurse told me there should be a little "flutter" in the chest and it wasn't there. There was no heart beat. The baby was only measuring 9 weeks and I should have measured 12 weeks. I was devastated that day walking out of the Dr's office. I would cry uncontrollably. I can still remember the pain that I felt that day as I was driving home with my husband. Thankfully my sister in law was just fine as well as the baby. I was so happy to hear that because I did not want anyone having to experience the pain that I was experiencing right then. However, my heart did ache as I would look at her ultrasound pictures of her healthy little baby. My worst fear was that I would never be able to bear children and that I would miscarry again. I was scared of getting pregnant again, but wanted to have a baby at the same time. I had a D&C; 2 days later, which waiting made it even harder for me. Just knowing that I was carrying a precious little baby inside of me that was not alive. I went through a time of fear. I would fear anything. I didn't want my husband to leave my sight because I was so afraid I would loose him too. The reason I feared was because I had always feared of loosing a child and now my fears had come to past. I was afraid of everything I had ever feared would finally come to past. This had to be one of the most horrible times in my life. I was mad at God and didn't want to speak to him, but at the same time I only wanted a huge hug from my heavenly Father to tell me everything would be alright. I can remember speaking to one of my dearest cousins, who had lost her husband just 4 years earlier. She told me that I needed to just tell God my heart, everything that I was feeling. I needed to cry out to Him. So, I did. I can remember telling Him why I felt like He let me down and how much I hurt. It was at that moment I begin to heal. God begin to bring comfort and healing into my life. I know it is not that fast for everyone, but thankfully it was for me. Within a few weeks the tears begin to subside. I begin to pray for God to allow me to have children. The story of Hannah in the Bible was always on my mind. I told God that I didn't want to go through this experience in vain. I told Him to allow me to be an encouragement to women around me that might experience this heartache. I begin to pray for a little girl. My husband and I wanted a little girl first so bad. And, God was so gracious to me. I didn't have to wait a long time to get pregnant. Within one month of my D&C; I was already pregnant again. This time I was very afraid, and I would continually pray for strength and faith all through out the pregnancy. Later that year, God answered my "Hannah" prayer. He gave me a little, beautiful, princess. Ever since I have held her in my arms, we have had a special bond between us. She is mommy's girl. I held her all the time and I would sing to her everyday. I just wanted to be the best mommy to her, because I didn't know if I would ever be able to have another child. I wanted to savor every moment with her. I know God is still healing me of the pain and fear. I saw God grow  our faith and our spiritual walk like never before and I saw His comfort like never before. I thank Him and love Him for what He has done for me and my family. I never wanted to forget about my "unborn" child and although I didn't know if it was a boy or girl. I still wanted to give it a name, for closer sake. SO, I gave it a neutral name. The first name I spelled it as if it was a girl and the middle name I spelled it as if it was a boy. My mom also bought me a necklace with the birthstone of the month the baby would have been born in - a token of remembrance.